Do You Believe Me?

Do you believe me? Should you believe me? That's for you to figure out. Here's a quiz in which I make some bold assertions. Why don't you see if you can believe what I say? Choose the best answer for each question and then select the "Grade Me!" button at the bottom of the page. Use the "Reset" button to erase all your answers. Remember, choose the best answer to each question, since one or more may be at least partially true.

1) Over 75,000,000 years ago, the galactic overlord for this sector of the galaxy was Xenu, who was responsible for 76 planets, including Teegeeack (now called "Earth.") In an effort to reduce overpopulation on his worlds, Xenu called for a tax audit. As the trillions of inhabitants entered the tax audit centers, they were seized, held down and injected with a mixture of alcohol and glycol, and then frozen.

a) No, I don't believe you because you're crazy.
b) No, I don't believe you because this is a Scientology myth.
c) Yes, I believe you because I'm crazy.
d) Yes, I believe you because I'll believe anything.

2) After Xenu froze everybody, he had them flown in spaceships to Teegeeack ("Earth"), where he dumped them into and around the volcanoes of the Canary and Hawaiian Islands. When Xenu's Air Force had finished dumping the bodies into the volcanoes, hydrogen bombs were dropped into the volcanoes and the frozen space aliens were vaporized.

a) We don't know, because Scientology teaches us nothing about this subject.
b) Galactic overlords don't have bodies or gender, so this is meaningless.
c) This is true. Xenu told me so himself.
d) None of the above.

4) I can help relieve your cold and flu-like symptoms by incubating freshly-killed duck's liver and heart for 40 days. The resultant solution will then be filtered, freeze-dried, rehydrated, and repeatedly diluted to a concentration of about 1 part active ingredient to 100^200 (the number 1 followed by 400 zeroes) parts water. You will then drink a pint of this solution and get quick relief.

a) This sounds logical, so I'll agree.
b) This sounds illogical, so I'll agree.
c) This couldn't possibly work. There wouldn't be a single molecule of the original preparation left in the dose.
d) Yes, I believe you. This is Homeopathic medicine, a perpetual victim of the close-minded medical establishment.

5) I have some naturally-occurring mineral formations that will help restore your health. Their healing properties rely on the energy that they give off. This energy exerts subtle influences on the body, realigning the body's energy into more harmonious, natural and healthy patterns. The clear ones are good for physical ailments and demands and the rose ones are better for emotional and mental health.

a) You're talking about crystals and crystal therapy.
b) You're talking about stalagmites.
c) You're talking about burning anthracite coal.
d) You're talking about uranium.

6) I know a way to "remember the future." Simply put, I can close my eyes and concentrate on what things will look like in a few minutes. I then open my eyes, check to see if I remembered correctly, and then close my eyes and imagine again. Repeating this process, I can go further and further on, viewing future events and events that are happening a great distance away in amazing detail.

a) This sounds perfectly reasonable. Where do I sign up?
b) I do this all the time with no special training.
c) I do this all the time between visiting hours.
d) This sounds like pure unadulterated crap to me. It's usually called "remote viewing."

7) I can see you from miles away when you're taking a shower or bath.

a) I don't bathe.
b) Not when I have the webcam turned off.
c) I'm so embarrassed! (Or I would be if "remote viewing" actually existed.)
d) A credit card is required to verify your age.

8) After putting myself in a trance-like state, my body will become a host to the spirit of a Cro-Magnon warrior who lived and died over 35,000 years ago. As a "True Master," he can enlighten you about your place in the world and the meaning of life. Best of all, he even speaks modern English, though with a Cro-Magnon accent.

a) The warrior may be Ramtha, but you're not J. Z. Knight.
b) What should I do to be more successful in personal relationships?
c) I believe you because my middle name is "Gullibility."
d) Not only that, but he also conquered Atlantis.

9) Alien beings fly to my residence on a regular basis in order to examine me. They are so interested in me as a specimen, that they regularly travel over 973,116,000,000,000,000 miles from a nearby galaxy to play hide-and-seek with the US Government while telling me that humankind must act more wisely. They look a lot like human babies, but they don't make as much noise.

a) The exact same thing happens to me!
b) You are obviously not programmed with the "official" government line.
c) Intergalactic flight is simply not practical, even if there were aliens who were interested in us.
d) Where do I sign up for the probe examination?

10) The alien beings have bad body odor.

a) This is a trick question because humans cannot smell alien body odors.
b) This is a trick question because there are no aliens visiting Earth.
c) This is a trick question because there is no universal concept of "good" or "bad" that is relevant.
d) This is a trick question because I can't read.

11) I can see your dead friends and relatives hanging around you. They don't have anything interesting or informative to say, but they want you to know that they love you. It helps me if you can tell me their names and how they died before I start communicating with them.

a) Ask them what happened to the retirement money that was supposed to be in T-bills.
b) Prove it! Tell me something specific that only they would know.
c) It makes me feel better to believe this, so I don't care if it's true or not.
d) I thought that fraud was illegal in this state.

12) In classic systems of logic, a statement is either true or false. This is the "Law of the Excluded Middle." The ultimate truth or falsity of the statement is independent of your opinion or knowledge. The statement cannot be "true for some people and false for others."

a) This makes no sense at all.
b) You're wrong! Truth depends on the belief system and viewpoint of the individual.
c) Sincerity alone is sufficient to make a statement true or false.
d) You're right! This is a rejection of epistemological relativism.