Song Title

Artist

Writer

Year

Reason for Disqualification

"99 Luftballoons"

Nena

J. Fahrenkrog-
Peterson/
C. Karges

1984

This is a story song, even if you need to speak German to get it. (Here's a link to the lyrics in both German and English.) There is also some evidence of a melody, though of the warped, European sort.

"Achy Breaky Heart"

Billy Ray Cyrus

D. Von Tress

1992

Has a catchy melody, if stupid lyrics. Having a free dance come with it almost makes it a novelty song.

"Afternoon Delight"

Starland Vocal Band

B. Danoff

1976

Silly and sappy, but melodic. It's almost a novelty song. They were the first act signed to John Denver's Windsong label and were expected to be the American ABBA.

"American Pie"

Don McLean

D. McLean

1971

A good song with a solid melody and strong chorus. It just got too much play and PR. The lyrics actually show some thought. Here's a FAQ on the song.

"Brand New Key"

Melanie (Safka)

M. Safka

1971

Cute little novelty song with a nice hook. It's supposed to be silly, Dumbass!.

"Call Me"

Blondie

D. Harry/
G. Moroder

1980

What a waste of Blondie! Still, there's a melody and some real lyrics there.

"The Candy Man"

Sammy Davis Jr.

L. Bricusse/
A. Newley

1972

Another great reason to hate Anthony Newley. When I hear this, I want to grab the nearest kid and JAM BABY RUTH BARS DOWN HIS THROAT UNTIL HE....oh, did I say that out loud? Catchy melody, though.

"Close To You"

The Carpenters

B. Bacharach

1970

A pretty melody beautifully sung. It's harmless.

"Daddy Don't You Walk So Fast"

Wayne Newton

P. Callandar/
G. Stephens

1972

As the song says, "I couldn't bear to hear those words again." BUT, it has a recognizable tune and a catchy chorus.

"Feelings"

Morris Albert

M. Albert

1975

Hmmm...I'm still thinking about this. Is it fair game if EVERYONE thinks it's awful?

"Honey"

Bobby Goldsboro

B. Russell

1968

Meets minimal melody requirement (if you're sucking on a lemon.)

"I Am Woman"

Helen Reddy

H. Reddy/
P. Burton

1972

Strong melody. That's all I have to say.

"I Honestly Love You"

Olivia Newton-John

P. Allen/
J. Barry

Year

Sappy, but melodic.

"In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"

Iron Butterfly

D. Ingle

1968

This is one of the most straightforward songs ever written or recorded. No pretense here. (Honestly!) You get what you pay for...and I own three different versions of the album on CD alone.

"In the Year 2525"

Zagar and Evans

R. Evans

1969

Novelty song, though it meets all other requirements. A guy on my high school football team used to sing this in the showers all the time. Drove me up the wall.

"MacArthur Park"

Richard Harris

J. Webb

1968

You either hate it or love it. I personally like this song, though virtually everyone I know hates it. I have to give it novelty song status, though. And it shows "balls"....(If you didn't already know, Webb composed this as the coda to a 22-minute cantata when he was working on The 5th Dimension's The Magic Garden album. The cantata was (supposedly) quite good and Webb pitched it to The Association for inclusion on their new album, but they were reluctant to use it because it would take one whole album side. Webb finally produced the 7-minute coda by itself for his friend, Richard Harris, though Harris was obviously not his first choice to record it. Webb completed the instrumental recording in Los Angeles and then Harris recorded the vocals in Dublin, which explains some errors and anomalies in the recording. I'm not aware that the entire cantata has ever been recorded.}

"Mickey"

Tony Basil

M. Chapman/
N. Chinn

1982

A bit of a novelty song, with an unmistakable hook and melody. Lighten up! (A lot of people "hate" this song because of the video. Doesn't count.)

"The Morning After"

Maureen McGovern

A. Kasha/
J. Hirschorn

1973

Real melody. (Sorry! I tried to think of some way around this.)

"Muskrat Love"

The Captain and Tenille

W. Ramsey

1982

This is a novelty song, people! The squishy synthesizer sounds should have given it away. (Contrary to popular belief, The Captain and Tenille did not write this song. They adapted it for use in their club act because they thought it would be "a hoot"...so go gripe to Ramsey! It's not THEIR fault that people started buying the records.)

"The Night Chicago Died"

Paper Lace

P. Callandar/
L. Stitcher

1974

Now, really, when was the last time you heard this? This is disqualified on two counts: novelty and melody.

"Nights in White Satin"

The Moody Blues

J. Hayward

1967

Good song that's overplayed. It's a bit bombastic and melodramatic, but then how can you yell for "Free Bird" and hate THIS song?

"One Tin Soldier"

Coven

D. Lambert/
B. Potter

1971

I hate this song, too, but it has melody and story. What can you do? (Also recorded in 1969 by The Original Caste, but this is the version most frequently played.)

"Putting On The Ritz"

Taco

I. Berlin

1983

You may hate this recording, but the song is actually a catchy (and popular) tune penned by Irving Berlin. You can vote for Taco as "Worst Performer", but the song gets disqualified.

"Rosanna"

Toto

D. Paich

1982

Real melody (with irritating vocals.)

"Seasons In The Sun"

Terry Jacks

J. Brel/
R. McKuen

1974

Another sloppy, sentimental song with a melody and chorus. (Notice who wrote the damn thing: French musician/composer Jacques Brel wrote the music and Rod McKuen put lyrics to it.)

"Sometimes When We Touch"

Dan Hill

D. Hill/B. Mann

1977

Real melody. It's actually a pretty song that is sung in a funny strained voice.

"Stairway to Heaven"

Led Zeppelin

J. Page/
R. Plant

1971

Whether you like it or not, this is an inspired work of art. Few songs achieve this status.

"Tie A Yellow Ribbon Round The Ole Oak Tree"

Dawn (with Tony Orlando)

I. Levine/
R. Brown

1973

Fails on all three counts. It has comprehensible (if sappy) lyrics that tell a story, there's a real melody, and it's a novelty song. (And now that I've written this, I won't get the chorus out of my head for another two days.)

"Torn Between Two Lovers"

Mary MacGregor

P. Yarrow/
P. Jarrel

1976

Real melody. It's a shame it made it to the pop radio stations. (And it was co-written by Peter Yarrow of Peter, Paul, and Mary.)

"Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey"

Wings

P. McCartney/
L. McCartney

1971

Novelty song, even though I truly despise this song and most of Paul McCartney's post-Beatles work. It has a catchy chorus, which also spares it.

"Video Killed The Radio Star"

The Buggles

G. Downes/T. Horn/B. Wooley

1980

Disqualified because of novelty and the actual, though irritating, melody.

"Waterloo"

ABBA

B. Andersson/
B. Ulvaeus

1974

Catchy beat and real melody (at least in the chorus).

"We Built This City"

Starship

D. Lambert/M. Page/B. Taupin/P. Wolf

1985

A guilty pleasure. Unbelievably, it took FOUR people to write this song, including Dennis Lambert ("One Tin Soldier" and "Don't Pull Your Love"), Bernie Taupin (Elton John's collaborator), and Peter Wolf (The J. Geils Band). I'll have to give this one some more thought. There's GOT to be a reason to disqualify it.

"Wonderful Tonight"

Eric Clapton

E. Clapton

1977

Real melody. I have a theory about musicians and groups: They say what they have to say in their first few albums, then they churn out some experimental stuff, and finally they go soft in the head. Guess where this song falls?

"You Light Up My Life"

Debby Boone

K. Cisyk
(not Debby!)

1977

Love it or hate it...it has a melody. (And why do so many people think Debby wrote it?)

"Yummy, Yummy, Yummy"

The Ohio Express

A. Resnick/
J. Levine

1968

It's a NOVELTY song, for God's sake! Calm down! And when was the last time they played it on your radio station? Huh? So kwicherbeefin!